Miscommunication and dumb luck-Two of my favorite storytelling companions. These age old buddies are becoming an endangered species nowadays, what with the cell phone and all. Everyone has their conspiracy theories. Wanna hear one of mine? I believe cell phones were sent here by humorless aliens to ruin our fun and kill our best stories. Think about it. Gone are the days where you can tell a story about missing a rendezvous point, or getting lost, or misunderstanding a friend’s intention or being late for a wedding because you couldn’t find the church and you had no way to get in touch with anyone who could help you.
No you go to tell a great story about how you were being chased by hungry elephants and someone in your audience stops you mid sentence…Why didn’t you just call the zoo? Why didn’t you dial 911? Did you take a photo? Why wasn’t this posted on your facebook? And if you can somehow get past that party-pooper there will be someone else fact checking on their phone and hollering out that elephants are vegetarians-so what the heck was the danger anyway?
I have had so many times when I could have had a great story in my midst, but instead my cell phone sweeps in and saves the day. I'm sure you know the feeling. Flat tire? Call for help-no story there. Are you lost? Google directions-no story there. About to be embarrassed because you’ve bumped into an old boyfriend and you’ve forgotten his name? Fake a sneeze, turn around text your friend Michelle and voila, you’ve saved face, but alas another anecdote foiled.
At least I’m in my 30s so I have years and years of pre-technology stories to share. In fact I don’t even know if Mike and I would be married today if we had a cell phone back in 1995 when we ran out of gas on Route 3. We were in this big orange truck I think it belonged to his friend BJ…hang on let me text BJ and ask him….I’m back, yep it was BJ’s truck a 1984 Chevy pickup, and the gas gauge was broken. We were heading from my swinging bachelorette pad in Boston (aka my tiny bedroom in the apartment I shared with my parents, sister and six guinea pigs in Malden) to Mike’s place on the Cape. We were in the early days of dating, still getting to know each other. We were driving along the highway, (listening to a mixed tape I’m sure), when we ran out of gas. Mike managed to get us over to the shoulder and we sat there for a few moments. Now, if this had been 2011, we would have called someone to come help us…or better yet, maybe we would have just sent a text. Either way that would have been the end of the story. But we didn’t have a cell phone, so we made a decision. We hopped out of the truck and wandered down route 3 for about 2 miles, walked off an exit ramp and entered the town of Plymouth. Just two miles, sure, but did I mention it was about 95 degrees in the shade? Did you focus on the fact that we were walking on a highway in MASSACHUSETTS where drivers are nicknamed Massholes or a reason. Nonetheless, we arrived in Plymouth, got a gas can from the hardware store, filled it with gas and still had enough money to buy a heavenly Reese’s ice cream bar (hmm I wonder if they still make those? I’ll have to Google that when I’m done with this blog). We trudged back onto the highway, managed to get a ride from two women in a van-sure the van wreaked of freshly smoked weed- but who are we to turn down a free ride? Somehow it was actually a great experience. Mike thought it was cool that I was so laid back about the whole thing, and I thought it was gallant of him to use his last dollar to buy me an ice cream. We joke that this was the day that we knew we had a future together. This is something we might not have discovered if we could have just called someone for help.
I have so many great stories that could be instantly ruined by the introduction of the cell phone. There was the time my friend Jenn was supposed to get on the T at Oak Grove station and a friend and I would hop on that same train at Malden Station (one stop later), from there we would all ride the T into town (Boston). For some reason-and this has nothing to do with Jenn being, well, Jenn-when the train pulled up and the doors opened we got on using one set of doors only to see her get off using the other set. I can still see her confused face and her hands reaching for the glass as we streaked by heading into town. Where would we meet? Which stop were we getting off? Should we go back? Would she know how to find us if we didn’t? B-o-r-i-n-g if we had a cell, right? A quick text—meet us at Haymarket we’ll be standing by the bearded man who smells of urine, but sings a mean version of No Woman No Cry-well that would have ruined a classic story. Really, it would have.
As I sit here I can think of many, many, many stories that would have been ruined if we had a cell phone. And that’s just me. Think of the change in sitcoms, Laverne and Shirley? The Brady Bunch? Three’s Company? These guys would never make it now. The cell phone would ruin every single plot from those shows. And how about you? How many good stories are foiled because you can remedy things quickly and painlessly with your Droid?
And yes, the truth is in the real world I rely more on conveniences than great stories to get me through my day. I am the first person to nosedive into a panic attack as soon as my iPhone shows signs of low battery. Still, the storyteller in me can’t help but wonder how much laughter has been lost to this mega-invention. I don’t think there’s an app. for that-at least not yet.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I Gave At The Office
I hate to sound like an old lady, but back in my day you could walk through the mall and not get stopped every two feet by someone wanting to sell you something. And I hate saying no to people, which makes things a hundred times worse. My typical mall trip consists of me entering and getting swept up by some kiosk worker who wants to straighten my hair, after I have my new cute hairdo I go ahead and get my photo on a mug(don’t worry I make sure there’s no leftover teriyaki in my teeth from the free sample forced on me in the food court). Next I am talked into buying a new cell phone cover to go with the new phone I am unwittingly about to purchase from the guy two kiosks down. Soon I’m entering a drawing to win a new car; meanwhile some random woman is buffing my nails. I take a rest from this whirlwind trip by taking a survey. Then I get some feathers in my straight hair, buy a remote control flying saucer and finally splurge on my eighth pair of super fuzzy slippers. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating, the slippers aren’t that fuzzy.
And it’s not just the mall. Grocery stores are bad, too. Do you know how many petitions I’ve signed? Do you know how many tubs of popcorn I’ve purchased from the Boy Scouts? And don’t even get me started on those adorable little girls peddling their sinister Thin Mints. It’s enough to drive a nice girl crazy.
Well, here’s a little irony for you, I’ve been known to stand in the grocery store aggravating customers, too. Yep, I do this once a month for a local charity. There I stand, just inside the grocery store, papers in hand, waiting for someone to make eye contact and then I make my move.
I approach with a smile, look into their eyes and explain that I am collecting groceries for a local food bank. I then hand them the paper, which happens to be a list of items the food bank needs most. Yes, I’m just there to do something good with no ulterior motive. I’m not selling anything and not trying to give away prizes, raffle tickets, or even trying to get petitions signed. However, the truth is at least 40% of the people who come into the grocery store are just exasperated by the sight of me.
One look at me and their faces contort into some sort of grimace. The look says “I know your kind lady, back off.” I’m not gonna lie, it’s a little slap to the ego when someone doesn’t want to give me a chance. Luckily, I can handle a touch of rejection here and there. In fact I’ve come to enjoy some of the more clever avoidance techniques.
a. The cell phone call—Upon seeing me, the guilty party lifts his phone to his
ear and begins to babble away. I know this is a fake because 1. He is usually holding the phone upside down and 2. Talking on the phone rather than texting is sooooo 2008.
b. The sudden interest in your mate-You can see the couple approaching through the parking lot, she’s got her arms folded tightly across the chest and he is fumbling with the zipper on his coat. There’s about a city block’s worth of distance between the two of them before they see me. Then right on cue we make eye contact and she starts fawning all over him, high-pitched giggle, hand on his arm. For his part, he stands there like a deer in the headlights, as he has no idea why after 22 years of marriage she has decided to actually speak to him. She usually then digs her nails into his arm, grits her teeth and then says something inaudible, but effective. They quickly walk away from me.
c. The Ooh I forgot something in the car- These people who don’t typically wander around town making loud blanket statements, suddenly decide to announce to the entire front end of the store that they have forgotten something in the car. They pivot around, leave and then either use the entrance at the other end of the store, or they come back in a minute gabbing away on their upside down phone.
There are more avoiders, too. The people who think the floor is suddenly so interesting they can’t keep their eyes off of it; the people who wait for a crowd to walk in and then quickly follow behind; or the people who have a sudden urge to pick up the nearest ketchup bottle and read it word for word. There are people who try to wait me out, too. They stand by the carts and the hand sanitizer taking as long as they possibly can in the entryway in hopes they will outlast me. These people, the avoiders, are likely good generous people. They might even be interested in helping out the local food bank. I’ll never know because they won’t let me get within a football field of their personal space.
Even so, the avoiders are preferable to the uninformed rejecters. These are the people who look you right in the eye and say “No Thanks,” or “Not Interested,” Before you can even tell them what you are up to. And even these people are, of course, preferable to the people who do listen and then follow up with some sort of cutting remark, rather than a polite “Not today”. I am talking about the ones who have lines such as “Oh you’re collecting for the food bank, good for you.” Or “Sorry, I don’t believe in charities”. My personal favorite was when someone stopped on his way out and made a point to say, “Who could say no to you?” he then left without giving anything. Ouch.
I’m sure many people have their reasons for saying no, but after several “No thank yous,” and” Not interesteds” I begin to wonder why they can’t just take the paper from me and pretend to show some enthusiasm. Then when they walk by me later they can say something coy like “Oh I forgot, catch you next time.” No harm done, no feelings hurt. I mean that’s what I’d do. Then I’d open my purse, pull out one of the several phones I purchased from the mall, put it to my ear, and pretend to give someone a call.
And it’s not just the mall. Grocery stores are bad, too. Do you know how many petitions I’ve signed? Do you know how many tubs of popcorn I’ve purchased from the Boy Scouts? And don’t even get me started on those adorable little girls peddling their sinister Thin Mints. It’s enough to drive a nice girl crazy.
Well, here’s a little irony for you, I’ve been known to stand in the grocery store aggravating customers, too. Yep, I do this once a month for a local charity. There I stand, just inside the grocery store, papers in hand, waiting for someone to make eye contact and then I make my move.
I approach with a smile, look into their eyes and explain that I am collecting groceries for a local food bank. I then hand them the paper, which happens to be a list of items the food bank needs most. Yes, I’m just there to do something good with no ulterior motive. I’m not selling anything and not trying to give away prizes, raffle tickets, or even trying to get petitions signed. However, the truth is at least 40% of the people who come into the grocery store are just exasperated by the sight of me.
One look at me and their faces contort into some sort of grimace. The look says “I know your kind lady, back off.” I’m not gonna lie, it’s a little slap to the ego when someone doesn’t want to give me a chance. Luckily, I can handle a touch of rejection here and there. In fact I’ve come to enjoy some of the more clever avoidance techniques.
a. The cell phone call—Upon seeing me, the guilty party lifts his phone to his
ear and begins to babble away. I know this is a fake because 1. He is usually holding the phone upside down and 2. Talking on the phone rather than texting is sooooo 2008.
b. The sudden interest in your mate-You can see the couple approaching through the parking lot, she’s got her arms folded tightly across the chest and he is fumbling with the zipper on his coat. There’s about a city block’s worth of distance between the two of them before they see me. Then right on cue we make eye contact and she starts fawning all over him, high-pitched giggle, hand on his arm. For his part, he stands there like a deer in the headlights, as he has no idea why after 22 years of marriage she has decided to actually speak to him. She usually then digs her nails into his arm, grits her teeth and then says something inaudible, but effective. They quickly walk away from me.
c. The Ooh I forgot something in the car- These people who don’t typically wander around town making loud blanket statements, suddenly decide to announce to the entire front end of the store that they have forgotten something in the car. They pivot around, leave and then either use the entrance at the other end of the store, or they come back in a minute gabbing away on their upside down phone.
There are more avoiders, too. The people who think the floor is suddenly so interesting they can’t keep their eyes off of it; the people who wait for a crowd to walk in and then quickly follow behind; or the people who have a sudden urge to pick up the nearest ketchup bottle and read it word for word. There are people who try to wait me out, too. They stand by the carts and the hand sanitizer taking as long as they possibly can in the entryway in hopes they will outlast me. These people, the avoiders, are likely good generous people. They might even be interested in helping out the local food bank. I’ll never know because they won’t let me get within a football field of their personal space.
Even so, the avoiders are preferable to the uninformed rejecters. These are the people who look you right in the eye and say “No Thanks,” or “Not Interested,” Before you can even tell them what you are up to. And even these people are, of course, preferable to the people who do listen and then follow up with some sort of cutting remark, rather than a polite “Not today”. I am talking about the ones who have lines such as “Oh you’re collecting for the food bank, good for you.” Or “Sorry, I don’t believe in charities”. My personal favorite was when someone stopped on his way out and made a point to say, “Who could say no to you?” he then left without giving anything. Ouch.
I’m sure many people have their reasons for saying no, but after several “No thank yous,” and” Not interesteds” I begin to wonder why they can’t just take the paper from me and pretend to show some enthusiasm. Then when they walk by me later they can say something coy like “Oh I forgot, catch you next time.” No harm done, no feelings hurt. I mean that’s what I’d do. Then I’d open my purse, pull out one of the several phones I purchased from the mall, put it to my ear, and pretend to give someone a call.
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