I thought this world was only big enough for one of me, but apparently someone out there in New Haven Connecticut begged to differ. When you are as fantastic, popular and lovable as I am, sometimes your fans go a little over the top and start to dress like you, talk like you, listen to the same music as you and change their entire belief system to be more like you. I don't know why I am so surprised that someone else out there wants to be me. I myself have thought it wouldn't be so bad to be more like Madonna, Oprah or the lead singer of the Flock of Seagulls. I mean look, we celebs are all in the same boat--A following so devoted to us that they unknowingly cross the line from benign fan to super-devoted and somewhat psychotic Number One Fan, just like that. Of course my NOF (number one fan) was so dedicated that he or she decided dressing/talking/walking like me wouldn't really be a fitting tribute, so instead NOF decided to become me via my social security number. Now there's some savvy, right? I mean why go with the superficial stuff when you can get to the heart of someone's finances instead. Wait, hold on, oh gosh, I was just notified by my fact checkers here at the Squeaky Voice that said person did not borrow my social security number out of his or her desire to be Aimee, but instead stole it, just to wrack up a $440 phone bill and not pay it! I don't know how this could be. This is a preposterous accusation! Do you think there are people out there who would really just steal from someone else like that?
Wow, I feel kind of dumb here. Well I guess no harm no foul right? I mean what's $440 amongst friends anyway. Oh, hold on again, hmmm, it seems my staff here at the old SV want to make it clear to me that this person was neither fan nor friend. Wow, way to knock a girl when she's already down, huh? I say friend, you say identity thief, I say fan, you say felon. Tomatoes/Tomahtoes people, really.
Well let's look at this level-headedly, shall we? Perhaps this person really needed to make $440 worth of phone calls and just plain couldn't afford it. Maybe she has a boyfriend living someplace exotic like Minneapolis. Maybe this boyfriend is out there serving our country, sure he's serving Artificial Apple Pie at Minnie's Apple-Less diner, but still that counts. Maybe she needs to call him constantly out of fear that someone else will win over his heart in that City of Sin and Temptation. I can see her sitting on the lawn of Yale University, hugging his photo and letting her imagination get the best of her. Why, of course she should call him! What's that? She could get a plane ticket and motel room for less than $440 and actually go see Bobby Joe in Minneapolis? Okay then, that's probably just the wrong scenario.
Maybe it's not a she at all. Maybe it's a male, yes and maybe he has a sick dog, sure that's it. And the dog has a rare disease and there are only a handful of vets in the entire country that can treat said disease. And for some reason these special vets also moonlight as spies, so they have to carry on their practice in secret locations and are very hard to contact. There's a password involved and long story short he has to call around a lot to try to make contact. I mean call after call and being on hold for hours on end well that could be worth $440 in a heartbeat, right? Or maybe it's a QVC addiction or a simple 900 number fetish, we all know from experience that, though certainly worth it, these could be costly calls, agreed?
Or maybe, really the most likely scenario, is that the person has a similar name, date and social. Maybe she was just opening her own phone account but accidentally wrote the wrong info. This seems reasonable, like instead of Aimee Lynne Allen the person is Jamie Wynn Fallon and instead of being born on 8/4/73 she was born on 4/8/37 and maybe instead of her social security number being....oh gosh, just informed by my chief of staff not to put my social on this blog. My crew here at the Squeaky Voice is so untrusting!!
Okay, I guess I have to be a bit more realistic. I guess there might be a handful of bad guys out there willing to steal someone's social and use it to their benefit. Still, I liked it better when it was all about their adoration of me, rather than their desire to make long distance calls! I need a moment to collect myself and rework my blog here. After all, I thought this was going to be a tribute to my Number one Fan, but I guess that's off. It's too bad really especially since I spent my entire morning putting together over two dozen fan club packets. They contain all the traditional swag, too. A T-shirt, an 8X10 glossy photograph, a copy of my first interview with Tiger Beat Magazine and of course a notarized and autographed copy of my birth certificate!
I guess I'll just have to put those aside for another day. Well, I guess I'm going to log off so I can go sit and sulk somewhere. Sometimes it's tough to be Aimee Allen, unless of course, there's another Aimee Allen out there paying your bills for you.
