A Gentle Guide To My Other Side

My husband has to load the dishwasher. He hates how other people load dishes. It's not that he is some anal, dish snob, it's just the plain old truth--no one can do it quite like him. If you were to stand next to him and load dishes he would stand next to you and move the dishes into much better positions in the machine. I don't even think he knows he's doing it. It's like he really can't help himself. It must be hard to be the world's most fantastic dishloader, a lonely job that earns little respect. Because I am a supportive wife, I allow my husband the glory of loading the dishes the way he likes them, trying my best not to get in his way. After all if Diana Ross lived with me I'd let her sing "We are Family" all day every day--I'd never try to sing with her, or instead of her. Leave the art to the artist, that's my motto. I see a sink full of dishes and I think Now there's something my husband can really enjoy. I walk away knowing that by leaving those dishes I have brought a little happiness into Mike's heart.

Busted! Mike just read this over my shoulder. He said I made it sound like he "enjoys"doing the dishes, when really it's not about enjoyment, it's about maximizing space, being efficient and getting as many dishes clean in one load as possible. Doesn't enjoy it, hey? Sounds like he's awfully proud of his work. He's probably downplaying it for the sake of modesty. After all, no one likes a highfalutin dishloader. Still, it just peeves him to think of let's say a bowl in a place where a plate should be--or a knife blade down, when clearly knives get cleaner upright.

Well, we all have our pet peeves, even yours truly. Yes, my friends, there's another side to this laid-back, cool cat. Yep I have my little things, too. Here's a list, which you can use as a gentle guide so that you are sure to NEVER EVER EVER EVER do any of the following things in my presence....

My Top Six Peeves(in no particular order) are....

1. When someone says "Oh you look tired." Duh that's synonymous with Those bags under your eyes could hold all of Paris Hilton's shoes. Your skin reminds me of my grandmother's knee-highs. You absolutely must see a plastic surgeon immediately because today you look like crap. Better luck tomorrow.

2.When someone says "Well, you've got your hands full." Oh brother. Everyone knows that translates into You can't handle your kids, lady. Your child is most likely the only three- year-old on the planet to ever throw a tantrum in public. And look at how you've allowed your five year old to dress herself. My lord she's wearing stripes, with plaid! Someone should call social services. I especially hated this expression when my kids were younger, but if I were you I'd stay clear of saying it to me EVER, just in case.

3. The fact that miles and kilometers don't convert nicely really bothers me when I am running, I know that 5K is 3.1 miles, 10K is 6.2, but throw an 8K or a 12K in there and I'm not particularly happy with the system. Alas there's not much that you, my faithful follower, can do about it, just know it leaves me feeling a bit unpatriotic...Why not take the plunge USA and convert to the KMs? Oh wait! I know, it's probably because the metric system is some undercover socialist conspiracy. Of course.

4.When people leave cabinet doors open. This action disturbs me very much. This shouldn't bother me as I am, in most cases, too short to hit my head, but bother me it does.


5. People who run backwards. I think these folks are quite possibly the most arrogant people on the planet!!!! Most likely the backwards runner is doing this to "encourage" his/her partner. To me it just says Hey I'm faster than you, I'm in better shape than you, in fact I feel so good that I don't need to look where I am going, I am so confident that I don't even need to look over my shoulder or perhaps worry about the safety of others. But they don't say that do they, nah they say things like "Come on Susie, it's just another 5 miles uphill till the finish, when I ran this route with Meb and Uda last week we did it in under 10 minutes. This is a cake walk. You can do it!"

6. BABY TALK . It makes me want to pull my eyebrows out strand by strand. Any questions?

Well that's probably plenty for you to nosh on tonight. Speaking of noshing, I've just finished a delightful piece of cheesecake and must put my dish near the dishwasher. I'd hate for Mike to wake up with nothing to do in the morning. He'd be so disappointed.