The Shaky Voice

First of all let me start this blog with a good old fashioned apology! I have been so wrapped up in all that is September (back to school for me, for Madison and Max and now for Mike, too) that I only managed to squeak out one blog in the past month! I love blogging, so it pained me not to be here typing away. I have always enjoyed writing--perhaps even more than I enjoy talking. Well, that might be a stretch; after all I do love to gab, to converse, to shoot the breeze. Most people know this about me, so it usually come as a surprise when I tell them my number one fear--public speaking.

Okay, perhaps it's my number 15 fear, the first fourteen would have to do with gruesome death or end-of-the-world scenarios, you know, nothing you want to read about here. Let's save that for the big wigs like Stephen King and the Brothers Grimm. Public speaking really plagues me, yet, it is something I long to be good at. I can visualize myself standing in front of a crowd of thousands telling stories off the top of my head-no index cards or loose leaf paper, strutting naturally across the stage, using big words and knowing what they actually mean. I look out at the crowd and they hang on my every word. I open the lecture to questions and I answer everything with an intelligent, clear and thoughtful response. That's the fantasy. Let's just say I'm not there yet.

We all have our fears, but let's be honest, some fears are easier to avoid than others. Let's say you are afraid of sharks, well maybe you stay out of the the Great Barrier Reef. If it's dark you fear, sleep with a night light. Or let's say it's heights that make your stomach turn, then you choose not to scale the Eiffel Tower. But there are some things you just can't avoid, if you fear spiders, strangers or Starbucks, they're every where and you're kinda screwed. The same can be said for public speaking. Though I am not expected to give a speech on a daily basis there are certain times each school year when I am required to speak to a crowd and sound knowledgeable, while I'm at it.

Okay, at this point you might suggest that I am doing a form of public speaking every day in front of my students, but to me that feels different. I can't explain why, but I am totally comfortable talking to children in large or small groups. In my experience they make a less intimidating audience, though I am sure there are people that would argue the opposite. Like I said, as a teacher, there are occasions when I must give a parent education night or a presentation to fellow staff members. In recent years I have been told by coworkers that they can't even tell that I am nervous. That's because I have learned to cover some of my more obvious flaws.

Different people react to fear in different ways. When I am nervous I speak loudly and my voice quivers.I get very cold and physically shaky. I always take an extra sweatshirt with me when I am flying across the country (yep, I also have a fear of flying-ready to sign me up for therapy yet?) because I know I am going to be freezing for the whole flight. The cold is sometimes accompanied by sweat, which is in my opinion ridiculous, but it happens. The worst part for me, the part that is horribly embarrassing is the physical shaking. When I was in fifth grade I did a huge research project on Betsy Ross. I really got into the role, had a costume, a very well-written report and was excited to present to my class. I could not tell you a single thing that was in that report, but I can tell you that I quivered so much that the only thing my classmates could hear was the sound of shaking paper. If you think I am exaggerating, think again. I saw my fifth grade teacher about ten years ago and she said "Remember that time you did the report on Betsy Ross and you stood there shaking like a leaf, I felt so bad for you!" Remember it? I've repeated it over and over again through they years! In high school I gave speeches during election time to run for class office. I always won, just going to show you that teenagers can be some of the most sympathetic people on earth. Even in college when I was presenting a project on how to make a Japanese kite out of paper, I shook so hard that my friends in my class couldn't make eye contact with me for a week! So now when I give a presentation I do any thing I possibly can to avoid holding things. I memorize what I will say, I call on assistants to help with visuals and I involve my audience whenever possible! It's a clever technique that works much of the time, but not always.

If those things aren't bad enough, occasionally, instead of breaking into a nervous sweat, I get the giggles. And by giggles I mean it starts with a small snicker and ends with an inappropriate and uncontrollable cacophony of laughter. This can also be traced back to childhood. One time in a Hanukkah play the boy speaking before me accidentally said "All the pee-pee" instead of "All the people" I laughed so hard that I thought I was going to pee-pee myself all over the stage. I couldn't recover and in my mind the play was ruined. In seventh grade I was selected to read a Christmas poem with my friends Jessica and Erika, the auditorium was full of parents, grandparents, teachers and students. I managed to get the giggles somehow and the three of us never got through our poem. They say laughter is contagious which was very unfortunate for Jessica and Erika. We were pulled off stage by a very angry teacher. If only she knew I wasn't being disrespectful, just nervous. I've even gotten the giggles at a funeral. Maybe two funerals. It's not a good thing to have happen.

Like I said in the first paragraph September is always a busy month. This month I had to do both a parent night and a presentation for the school board. I have been doing the September parent night in some form for so long that I almost wasn't nervous, but about fifteen minutes before we started I actually began thinking, "I'm not nervous, that's so weird. It's so crazy that I'm not cold, or shaky, or giggly. I think I might be over my fear. After all my coworkers say I always look confident." Umm yeah, you can imagine how I talked myself from calm to frantic in under fifteen minutes. It wasn't my best night. This past Wednesday was the presentation for the school board members. For some reason I gave a presentation that required me to use some hands-on materials. One was very small and I had to hold it up for the board members to see. They probably couldn't see it anyway as my hand was shaking too hard to make out what I was holding.

I tell my students that the more you practice something the better you become. We've all said that to our children because 99% of the time it's true. (One percent of the time you might practice and practice something, like let's say the clarinet and still your band teacher gently suggests that you find a different hobby-I know, I know, t-h-e-r-a-p-y). So yes, I know to be a better speaker I need to get up there in front of the crowds more often. If I was really ambitious, I'd look for public speaking opportunities. But, I'm just not there yet. For now, if I am going to get up on stage to sweat, giggle and shake, I'd like to do it in a dance club in Paris after a rewarding day of scaling the Eiffel Tower.