I Gave At The Office

I hate to sound like an old lady, but back in my day you could walk through the mall and not get stopped every two feet by someone wanting to sell you something. And I hate saying no to people, which makes things a hundred times worse. My typical mall trip consists of me entering and getting swept up by some kiosk worker who wants to straighten my hair, after I have my new cute hairdo I go ahead and get my photo on a mug(don’t worry I make sure there’s no leftover teriyaki in my teeth from the free sample forced on me in the food court). Next I am talked into buying a new cell phone cover to go with the new phone I am unwittingly about to purchase from the guy two kiosks down. Soon I’m entering a drawing to win a new car; meanwhile some random woman is buffing my nails. I take a rest from this whirlwind trip by taking a survey. Then I get some feathers in my straight hair, buy a remote control flying saucer and finally splurge on my eighth pair of super fuzzy slippers. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating, the slippers aren’t that fuzzy.

And it’s not just the mall. Grocery stores are bad, too. Do you know how many petitions I’ve signed? Do you know how many tubs of popcorn I’ve purchased from the Boy Scouts? And don’t even get me started on those adorable little girls peddling their sinister Thin Mints. It’s enough to drive a nice girl crazy.

Well, here’s a little irony for you, I’ve been known to stand in the grocery store aggravating customers, too. Yep, I do this once a month for a local charity. There I stand, just inside the grocery store, papers in hand, waiting for someone to make eye contact and then I make my move.

I approach with a smile, look into their eyes and explain that I am collecting groceries for a local food bank. I then hand them the paper, which happens to be a list of items the food bank needs most. Yes, I’m just there to do something good with no ulterior motive. I’m not selling anything and not trying to give away prizes, raffle tickets, or even trying to get petitions signed. However, the truth is at least 40% of the people who come into the grocery store are just exasperated by the sight of me.

One look at me and their faces contort into some sort of grimace. The look says “I know your kind lady, back off.” I’m not gonna lie, it’s a little slap to the ego when someone doesn’t want to give me a chance. Luckily, I can handle a touch of rejection here and there. In fact I’ve come to enjoy some of the more clever avoidance techniques.


a. The cell phone call—Upon seeing me, the guilty party lifts his phone to his
ear and begins to babble away. I know this is a fake because 1. He is usually holding the phone upside down and 2. Talking on the phone rather than texting is sooooo 2008.

b. The sudden interest in your mate-You can see the couple approaching through the parking lot, she’s got her arms folded tightly across the chest and he is fumbling with the zipper on his coat. There’s about a city block’s worth of distance between the two of them before they see me. Then right on cue we make eye contact and she starts fawning all over him, high-pitched giggle, hand on his arm. For his part, he stands there like a deer in the headlights, as he has no idea why after 22 years of marriage she has decided to actually speak to him. She usually then digs her nails into his arm, grits her teeth and then says something inaudible, but effective. They quickly walk away from me.

c. The Ooh I forgot something in the car- These people who don’t typically wander around town making loud blanket statements, suddenly decide to announce to the entire front end of the store that they have forgotten something in the car. They pivot around, leave and then either use the entrance at the other end of the store, or they come back in a minute gabbing away on their upside down phone.


There are more avoiders, too. The people who think the floor is suddenly so interesting they can’t keep their eyes off of it; the people who wait for a crowd to walk in and then quickly follow behind; or the people who have a sudden urge to pick up the nearest ketchup bottle and read it word for word. There are people who try to wait me out, too. They stand by the carts and the hand sanitizer taking as long as they possibly can in the entryway in hopes they will outlast me. These people, the avoiders, are likely good generous people. They might even be interested in helping out the local food bank. I’ll never know because they won’t let me get within a football field of their personal space.

Even so, the avoiders are preferable to the uninformed rejecters. These are the people who look you right in the eye and say “No Thanks,” or “Not Interested,” Before you can even tell them what you are up to. And even these people are, of course, preferable to the people who do listen and then follow up with some sort of cutting remark, rather than a polite “Not today”. I am talking about the ones who have lines such as “Oh you’re collecting for the food bank, good for you.” Or “Sorry, I don’t believe in charities”. My personal favorite was when someone stopped on his way out and made a point to say, “Who could say no to you?” he then left without giving anything. Ouch.

I’m sure many people have their reasons for saying no, but after several “No thank yous,” and” Not interesteds” I begin to wonder why they can’t just take the paper from me and pretend to show some enthusiasm. Then when they walk by me later they can say something coy like “Oh I forgot, catch you next time.” No harm done, no feelings hurt. I mean that’s what I’d do. Then I’d open my purse, pull out one of the several phones I purchased from the mall, put it to my ear, and pretend to give someone a call.