A Little Lost

I really like living in the Pacific Northwest. I have fantastic friends and a great house. It's so beautiful here. We have everything from mountains, to oceans, to canyons, to rainforests. The young folk tell me we even have vampires-had we had those in Massachusetts I could have explained away some mysterious marks on my neck my senior year of high school! "Oh gee Dad it was just that shy vampire kid from my chemistry class, he forgot to bring a lunch to school and he was really hungry. I was just helping a friend." Too bad I was in Malden not Forks, huh?

Vampires aside, Mike and the kids love it here, and me, well, like I said I really like it. Especially in the summer when the skies are blue, Mount Rainier is in sight and the temps are warm, but not scorching. I love to explore different trails, to walk or run on the waterfront, to camp (umm okay, love is a strong word, like to camp), to sit on my back deck and enjoy the lake, to kayak, to take the ferry to get an ice cream, to wander around Seattle, to spot whales, to take road trips to and through crazy and beautiful places. The dark and dreary winter is not really my cup of tea, but that's why there is a Starbucks on every corner in this state. They'll serve you your cup of tea or a latte, play some Dave Matthews Band, and send you on your way feeling like there is hope in caffeine. Who needs sunshine when you can order a venti anything?!

Some people feel strongly that this is the best place on Earth and while I see it, really, I do, I'm not sure this is home for me. The beauty of being a military spouse is that we get to sample a lot of places before we finally pick one. The hard part is time does not stand still; parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents, nieces, nephews all grow older in a different part of the country. You miss birthday parties, weddings, baby showers, births, graduations and more importantly all the little moments in between. At the same time you get to see new places, meet amazing people and perfect your guilt trip on all friends and family members that have yet to visit. (you know who you are).

Mike and I have lived in five states since we met. We have been in the Pacific Northwest for exactly four years and this has been by far the hardest adjustment for me. I still feel homesick and it comes out of nowhere, it could be as simple as hearing an Aerosmith song on the radio or seeing someone wearing a Red Sox cap. Technology has made it both better and worse, sometimes Facebook or texting hit the spot, but sometimes it just reminds me of what I am missing. I can go weeks and weeks without feeling homesick and then quite suddenly it will hit me. Mike might say "I think we could put a beach in here by the lake," and I will think Oh that's too long term for me! and start to panic. Another day he could say the same thing and I'd think Oh that sounds perfect!

When we traveled the Oregon Coast two weeks ago I texted my friend Kate. She is a native of Eugene, Oregon, but now lives in Jersey. We talked about how beautiful Oregon is, and she mentioned how she'd like to get back to the West Coast. I mentioned how I'd like to eventually head back East. For both Kate and I, our desires to get to our homelands are one thing, but our kids are the number one priority--when should we move them? What is a good age to go? How will they adjust? (Amazing the depth of conversation possible via text).

Sometimes when I really get rolling I think of other things like What if I'm the only one of the four of us who really wants to leave?-or just as scary-What if in two years I don't want to go after all? How heartbroken will my family be if we stay? What if we go back to the EC and regret it? What if we don't fit it anymore? Shouldn't we do one more away tour someplace really different like Hawaii or Puerto Rico before moving back to New England? How heartbroken would my family be then? What if we move back and then the kids turn around and choose a West Coast college? Do we follow them? What about Mike's family? Should we do a few years in Colorado and if so, would I ever be able to breathe walking up a flight of stairs again?

Having said all of this, I'm not unhappy here. Like I inferred earlier, it gets harder emotionally in the winter when the sky is a bleak gray almost everyday. Still I never hate it and sometimes I love it. I'm just not used to getting into these little funks, these pangs of homesickness. Sometimes I feel just a little lost and can't quite find my way home, because I'm not terribly sure where home really is.

There's this saying that I have seen hanging on various plaques in many Coastie homes "Home is where the Coast Guard sends you"... and of course, though a little syrupy and goofy for my taste, it is a fact. (umm any of my followers who have that plaque please disregard the above statement about goofy and syrupy. I never said it). Of course, home is where Mike and the kids are, I do believe it. We could be living in (gasp) Alabama, but as long as we're together it's okay. So yeah, home is with my family, but honestly geography matters. Max and Maddee have said a few times that they wish we could pick up Washington and stick it next to Massachusetts. Pure genius if you ask me, but New York would probably put up quite a stink about being displaced. Of course, they can look at it as a good deed--just a few moments in New York's old spot could improve Washington's pizza situation immensely.


Unlike the common cold, there's really no easy fix to homesickness. A bowl of chicken soup will just remind me of my Nana and I'll want to hop on the next plane to Boston just to give her a hug. It's not helpful to get bogged down in the whole Should I stay or Should I go thing (I always thought my first Clash reference would be to a lesser known, but cooler Clash song-oh well). Mike has two more years here for sure and what happens after that is a mystery. I don't know what the future may hold, but right now I do have a very cozy bed, in a very spacious bedroom, in a pretty little house, in a beautiful state and it is calling my name. I'm just going to throw on my garlic necklace and head up to bed. Good night.