What a Long, Strange Trip it's Been....

In the game of friendship the number one rule is to never poke fun at your friend’s children. Don’t joke about them, don’t make judging comments about them and certainly, by all means, don’t blog about them! But as Moses said when he dropped commandments 11-20, “sometimes rules are made to be broken.” So it is with permission and with a hearty measure of love that I write the following about a four-legged child I know…some names have been changed to protect the innocent-ish.

Today I went for a run with a group of friends. My good friend Nikki brought her dog Scooper with her. After our run and a dose of caffeine, I offered to take Scooper home with me as he loves to play with my dog, Styx. Okay, you got me, my dog’s name is Six, you figured that out already, but you have no idea who Nikki and Scooper are, so there…

Let’s have a moment of background info for those of you who don’t know Scooper (and since I have cleverly disguised his identity even those of you who know him, will never recognize him here). Nikki and her husband, Freddy got Scooper at the Humane Society a few years ago. A full-bred Walker Coon Hound, Scooper stole their heart with his combination of wholesome good looks, droopy brown eyes and saliva- filled jowls. No one knows what life was like for Scooper before that day, but it is safe to guess he was confined in some way and treated poorly. As a result he doesn’t like small spaces. Also, though I’m not a therapist I feel strongly that he has Sensory Integration Disorder, which is manifested in his phobia of loud noises and OCD which is manifested in his persistence to stick to one routine and his fastidious sorting of M&Ms by color (oh wait, the M&Ms thing is someone else I know).

So, why on Earth did I decide that it would be a good idea to drive almost 20 miles with such a large animal in my Prius? Especially since once, two years ago, I drove with him in my Prius, and that ride had to be followed up with some heavy duty tranquilizers-not for Scooper, but for me. I believe my offer this morning was a combination of love, amnesia and that annoying optimism that I am always spewing. Micki, ah, I mean Nikki, was a little hesitant, but I convinced her that I could handle a ride with Scooper. I know that he loves to have the windows down and the weather was perfect for that. I would remind him to stay in the backseat and it was only a twenty-five minute ride anyway, so what could go wrong?

I started with all four windows down, but he was attracted to the driver-side window, of course, which meant that he stood directly behind me (FYI Scooper never, ever sits for a car ride). I thought, Okay this is fine, as I braced myself to be drooled on, but instead of drool on my head, I felt a tightness around my neck as if being strangled by something. You see, in lieu of sticking his head over mine and out my window, he decided to rest his head on the shoulder strap of my seat belt and work his way out the window that way. The weight of his head caused the strap to constrict around my neck. Once I regained consciousness I closed the front windows, leaving the back for Scooper’s enjoyment.

As I drove, Scooper moved from side to side across the backseat of my tiny Prius, crying and panting the entire time. Occasionally, he would catch a glimpse of his handsome self in my rearview mirror and stop pacing, put his feet on the console between the driver seat and the passenger seat and just stare. It was probably in one of these moments that he realized there was nothing blocking his access to the passenger seat. This is when he added hopping into the front as part of his constant dance. So now he would move from left to right in the back and then bound onto the front seat.

Unfortunately for our sensory-sensitive friend, our passenger seat has a weight sensor so every time he landed on the seat a tiny alarm would sound reminding him to put on his seat belt. Well, this alarm scared him each and every time. It would beep, beep and he would startle and leap into the backseat crying. Then he’d try it again, adding a little bit of oomph to his bounce each time. Finally he jumped with such force into the front seat that he missed and hit his face on the front dash before falling in a crumpled ball to the floor. Well, his front half was crumpled his back legs were still on the seat as he is too big to fall down entirely.

At this point, which is about 2 miles into my ride, he decided to spend more and more time on the console, at first I thought it was a decision to avoid the seat belt sensor gods, but really it was just another step in perfecting his routine. Well, as I said Scooper is a Walker Coon Hound, which means he is very tall. His position on the console allowed him to unwittingly turn on all the overhead lights in the front seat with his head, while turning the back seat lights on with his butt. We also have this nifty little compartment above our dash that holds our sunglasses. You just need to tap it and the holder drops down allowing easy access to your shades. Unfortunately for Scooper, each time he got too close he would hit the compartment, the holder would drop down, bump him on the head and scare him to death, sending him cowering into the backseat. Once in the back he would pace left, right-sticking his head out of each window, jump up front, set off the seatbelt alarm, fly back, pace once more and then position himself on the console again. I don’t think Scooper is dumb, I just think his OCD prevents him from stopping this schedule once he has started.

Still, I had high hopes that when I hit the highway the allure of the open road would keep him in the backseat with his head out the window. He did like to stick his head out for a longer duration, but he also liked to come visit me via his regular routine. At one point I made the mistake of actually saying something out loud, I think it was a simple “Seriously, Scooper?” Simple to me, but to him it was an invitation to get even closer. At this point our Clifford-sized friend defied the laws of nature by getting all fours onto the console while turning in circles. This was unfortunate for me, as all I could see in front of me was tail (and not the kind you would see if you were cruising the beach). I swatted at his tail so he turned and put a paw on the wheel, scaring me senseless and crushing my ego. Even the dog drives better than I do! His paw was there for maybe a second and he never tried that move again, but his tail was back a few times, and frankly his tongue got pretty close, too.

About five miles from home, for no apparent reason Scooper went into the backseat, stuck his head out the window and stood quietly for at least 3 minutes, which to me seemed like an eternity. Just as I exhaled thinking that he was finally settled, I heard some heavy panting coming from my lower left. I looked and saw Scooper trying to wedge his head between my seat and the driver side door. I was really afraid that he was going to get stuck there, but I didn’t know how to help him. Would I have to call the fire department and have them remove the entire left side of my door? Whether it was on his own accord, or whether it was divine intervention, I’ll never know, but just as I thought he was really stuck, Scooper pulled his head out and went back to pacing.

When we pulled into my neighborhood he must have recognized the area because he started quietly yipping with excitement. By the time we were two houses away from home he was just three barks shy of a full-fledged hound-dog-howl. Before I could even shut the car off, my children and my dog were at my door. “We knew it! We thought we heard Scooper!” They let Scooper out of the car,opened the gate to our yard and they were all off and running.

Sure it was a rough ride, but it was worth seeing two happy kids and two carefree dogs. Really, at this point, I’ve almost forgotten about the entire incident. I only hope the next time I offer to take him in my Prius, Nikki will gently, but firmly slap some sense into me or at least give me a couple of tranquilizers for the road.